I have a confession to make. I’m not brave. At times, people have referenced my “bravery,” labelled me as inspirational, or mentioned my cheerful acceptance of Pulmonary Hypertension, COPD, Cerebral Palsy, etc and all of the things attached to those terms.
The truth is this. There are times when I am all too fragile, too human, too broken. There are times when the struggle to breathe scares me and other times when I wonder when the cycle of infections, the litany of medications, and the entourage of physicians will stop. There is a weariness unlike any other.
During these times, I sometimes struggle with depression and anxiety. What’s helped me so far is this:
1. Realizing It’s O.K. To Grieve What I Lost
When I get sick, frustrated at yet another medication being denied, or not being able to “work, clean, etc” like others, I pray and then write out and/or discuss my frustrations. I grieve the things I lost or possibly will never have. That prayer and discussion time helps me realize the “why” behind my anxiety and sometimes, anger. When I hold in my feelings, it results in more anxiety and depression.
2. Pushing Myself To Just Do Something
The less I do, the more I tend to overthink things- especially about what the future could be illness-wise. I tend to want to shut down and hide. This is a CONSTANT struggle because of the daily ebb and flow of my lungs, especially when I have an infection. Personally, even if I’m just writing someone a card, shooting them a text, or moving a pile of stuff off my table, I’m in a happier frame of mind. However, I have to force myself to move and just do something-no matter how small. (Obviously I have to listen to my body’s limit, but doing something makes me feel like I accomplished a goal)
When I’m well, part-time work tends to keep my brain busy about the “now” in life.
3. Praying And Reading The Psalms
A lot of times, when I struggle with breathing or pain, no one really gets what I’m going through (or it’s 3 a.m. and let’s face it- who wants to get an “I’m sick again” text when your brain isn’t online?)
There is one person who “gets it.” He’s been there from the beginning of time and has kept me since the day I was born. He knows my pain and my fear. My illness will never be too much for Him to handle. He knows my story all the way to the end. I can tell him my anguish without fear of judgement. He holds my tears in a bottle. I can pray to Him day or night. He’s never asleep or away.
Over the years, I’ve related more and more to the Psalms (and cried through them too). God has used them in my life so many times to show me that I’m not the only one who struggles and that He’s right there with me!
4. Focusing On Others Not Myself
I tend to get wrapped up in a “me” world. My appointments- my medications- my issues. You get the picture. It’s amazing how much the world changes when I step outside of my problems and see others who are hurting. When my focus shifts from “me”, I’m able to minister despite my illness. I’m able to counsel teens, encourage adults, and allow God to use me as He sees fit.
Thank you so much for reading my musings! I hope this was an encouragement to someone! 🙂
The Story of A Wheezy Spaz 